Empowering Families to Thrive Together

The key to taking the unpleasantness out of disagreements is to plan and prepare for it. A prepared mind can deal better with tough issues than one that is not. Having rules for how to handle conflict can also help. Rules will ensure that the “fight” is fair and do not get out of hand. Here are some pointers that can be helpful.

Agree on how to handle disagreements

Talk and agree on issues such as not to interrupt, no name calling, no screaming or shouting and what to do when one of you is about to become angry (e.g. ask to talk about the matter later or to have a standard cool-off period of thirty minutes), and should any of these occur, remind each other about what you agreed to.

Keep the emotions under control

This is probably the most difficult to do and should therefore receive the most attention. People who become emotional can begin to focus more on defending or attacking than being rational, listening or hearing what the other person is saying. The sooner everybody is calm, the sooner all of you can work towards a constructive solution. A useful technique you can use when teens become emotional is to tell them that unless they calm down and work with you, you will be forced to make up your mind without their input.

Do not get sidetracked

Teens like to distract or derail the conversation with statements like, “But ABC can . . .” or “Why are you so mean.” Keep your focus and address the original issue first. If not, you may end up not discussing it at all or you may talk about too many things all at once.

Do not allow yourself to be worn down

Another technique teens like to use is to drag out the argument so that you give up or let the issue go. Get to the point quickly and close the discussion. This is a good way to prevent / ensure nobody becomes emotional.

Timing

Timing is crucial when confronting your teens. If they are in a bad mood the chances are good you will not get through to them or end up in a “fight” that may make things worse. A technique you can use to prevent this is to tell them you want to discuss something and then give them the option to select the time. For example, “I want to discuss XYZ with you. can we do it today at 16:00 or tomorrow at 16:00?”

Stay polite

You may have all the reason to be furious. However, remaining polite sets the tone for the discussion because it makes it harder for them to become angry and go on the defence. If they do, simply remind them that you have more reason to be angry than they do so they must choose, either they force themselves to calm down (like you are doing) and work with you or you become angry and then fight it out with them.

End positive

A statement like “So, though I have punished you for something you did, I still love you” will let your teens know that although you saw their behaviour as unacceptable or “bad” you do not see them as “bad.”